This afternoon, someone said something to me along the lines of, "After everything that's happened, you're still standing, you're still faithful, you're healed . . . ".
"I'm not any of those things," I interrupted.
And then I gave those words some thought. I gave them some thought as I worked on a writing project and taught a Bible study class (still faithful), went for a walk (still standing), sent the friends of this morning some information that might (or might not) be helpful (healed? no - but knowledgeable about needs and resources? absolutely).
There are still days when, if I am able to indulge myself, I don't get up. Sundays can't be those days, and most days needn't be but, yes, there are days when I brush my teeth and sigh to myself, "I can't do my life today," and I crawl back into bed with a book. I'm not apologizing, either. It may not look like it, but it takes a lot of concealed energy to be me. Every time another 90-year-old lady tells me stories about her wonderful children, all of them alive and well, I feel some of that energy dribbling onto the floor and seeping into the hallway as I will myself to smile and encourage her to tell me more.
But on the whole, most days, I do get up and do the things I'm called upon to do. Whatever it is I'm saying about my inner feelings, on the outside, I'm doing.
And so I also considered the words of my guy Ignatius, without whose 16th century Catholic self I would not be a 21st century Protestant minister:
"Love is shown more in deeds than in words."
And so, hey! I may think of myself as the person who's immobilized by grief and confusion, but ~ actually, I'm not. I am plenty mobilized, except on the days when I'm not.
This is an intriguing little revelation for me.
And so (yeah, there are a lot of "and sos" tonight) . . . Look for some posts about ministry. I guess I'll start writing some more about these things I'm doing. And maybe even on occasion what I think about them.
Let's see . . . Extremely liberal city girl who loves pomp and circumstance serves low-key rural church in one of the most conservative counties in the state. Krista Tippett, meet Moody Bible Radio. Cleveland Orchestra on the ipod, County Fair on the sneakers. Guess what? There are homeless people and hungry people and lost people and open-minded people and close-minded people and sick people and sad people and content people and PO'd people in both places.
There should be something to write about.