I hate it when people talk about their physical ailments all the time. So, permit to to discuss mine: Yeah, still total double vision. I've been reading up on its likely cause. Not good.
My preoccupation with this matter has given me a respite from my obsessive thinking about Josh. Paradoxically, the reality of his death makes this not such a big deal. I'm guessing that, had this happened three years ago, I would have been in a complete panic. Today: OK, one more bad thing, and not so bad at that, relatively speaking.
OTH, the Lovely Daughter tells me: Mom, this is your general approach. Something minor that is unlikely to end badly? Your anxiety level skyrockets. Something hugely disastrous? You are completely calm.
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Yesterday, I learned that a good friend is leaving the PC(USA) and seeking ordination elsewhere. The lack of support shown by her local governing body has finally caused her to shake the dust from her feet.
I have often thought of doing the same, for somewhat different reasons. Mostly: No call prospects. I won't belabor the point but, objectively speaking, if you looked at what I've accomplished over the past few years, you might think the church would be interested in my service. It's not.
I have a invitation to interview for something outside the church this week. The only financially responsible thing to do, and a job I could love. But I sure didn't have to turn my life upside down to go to seminary in order to do it.
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From a holistic standpoint:
Is the vision thing connected to Josh? Are my eyes (or their accompanying nerves) which can no longer function in concert responding to the exhaustion of 2.5 years of trying to keep it all together?
Or is it connected to the church? What am I not seeing, about myself, my call, and the church?
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Off to a meeting (my son is driving) for some other work I've been invited to do that has nothing to do with the PC(USA).
