Monday, April 11, 2011

Miscellaneous Monday: Eyes and Church

I hate it when people talk about their physical ailments all the time.  So, permit to to discuss mine:  Yeah, still total double vision.  I've been reading up on its likely cause.  Not good.

My preoccupation with this matter has given me a respite from my obsessive thinking about Josh.  Paradoxically, the reality of his death makes this not such a big deal.  I'm guessing that, had this happened three years ago, I would have been in a complete panic.  Today:  OK, one more bad thing, and not so bad at that, relatively speaking.

OTH, the Lovely Daughter tells me:  Mom, this is your general approach.  Something minor that is unlikely to end badly?  Your anxiety level skyrockets. Something hugely disastrous?  You are completely calm.


Yesterday, I learned that a good friend is leaving the PC(USA) and seeking ordination elsewhere.  The lack of support shown by her local governing body has finally caused her to shake the dust from her feet.

I have often thought of doing the same, for somewhat different reasons.  Mostly:  No call prospects.  I won't belabor the point but, objectively speaking, if you looked at what I've accomplished over the past few years, you might think the church would be interested in my service.  It's not.

I have a invitation to interview for something outside the church this week.  The only financially responsible thing to do, and a job I could love.  But I sure didn't have to turn my life upside down to go to seminary in order to do it.


From a holistic standpoint:

Is the vision thing connected to Josh?  Are my eyes (or their accompanying nerves) which can no longer function in concert responding to the exhaustion of 2.5 years of trying to keep it all together?

Or is it connected to the church?  What am I not seeing, about myself, my call, and the church?


Off to a meeting (my son is driving) for some other work I've been invited to do that has nothing to do with the PC(USA).


  1. In terms of the holistic concept...who knows? I tend to error on the side of "maybe" and so would find myself an accupuncturist and get an intense cycle of treatment - just in case it would help. In my experience it usually does.

    In terms of the job and church stuff - average time of waiting to find a call once one has entered an intentional active search process - 18 months in the Episcopal Church...and some say that with today's economy it's closer to two, it took exactly 18 months this time and two years the last time. SO - hang in there - very little movement happening, but that will change - eventually people have to retire.

    lastly, I hope your eye/vision situation resolves soon.

  2. If I'm correct in assuming you're geographically tied, it makes things even more complicated. I hope you won't give up, because I do believe your gifts for ministry will find a place.
    I worry about the holistic stuff in that we don't want to get into thinking (or letting other people think) this happened *because* we needed to see clearly, but once it's happening, I think it's valid to examine the metaphor associated with not being able to see in the usual way, not being able to get around as easily, or whichever aspect of the temporary trouble speaks to you most eagerly. You know I went through this with the RA diagnosis. It's not that this happened so I could re-evaluate, but because it happened, I did.
    Meanwhile, I hope this resolves for you, both the eyes and the question of vocation.

  3. Healing prayers continue to flow your direction, Robin. And hoping that these employment prospects turn into something tangible.

  4. Oh my dear, I am so sorry. On both counts. Please take care of your eyes. I say that because of the tendency to not do good self-care after the death of a child. It seems inconsequential, but of course, with eyes, that's not the case. As for the job, I am glad you are opening a new door. I feel there is something perfect for you, and you just haven't found it yet. BTW, seminary is NEVER wasted. What an anchor it has been for you.
    love, peace, hugs, prayers.

  5. RE the part about stressing out about little things and being deadly calm about the big stuff: I am the same way. Kind of like, freaking out about the big stuff just makes things worse.

    I can also sypmathize with the wondering why you had to invest as much as you did in what you've done for the last three (for me--five) years if you were going to end up someplace that had, perhaps, nothing to do with that particular set of blood, sweat and tears. Life itself is an education, and it always gets you somewhere...even if it's not where you planned to go.

  6. So many good comments here, that there is not much for me to add - I agree with much of what has already been said: Nothing is wasted, if you watch how God works. Panic over big things is unhelpful and unproductive; panic over little things lets off steam (pressure), which has a useful aspect.
    Where is your heart calling you? Where is your joy and your love pointing?

  7. Not much to add to the wise words above, but sending love, best wishes and prayers for recovery and for opportunities to exercise your call in meaningful ways and places.

  8. I do hope your vision issues clear up soon. With my (literally) wandering eye, I have great sympathy for those with double vision. While I wouldn't look for a literal holistic link, long term stress will affect the body in many different ways. I think falling apart a little over the little things is a coping mechanism actually, especially for people who have had big things to handle. There's an intuitive recognition of when we can tremble and when we must stand strong. Despite my silence, you have never left my thoughts.

  9. Amen and ditto to the wisdom already shared. Thinking of you.

  10. I often find that the way I envision a thing working out is very rarely related to the reality of how it works out.

    Clearly the Seminary and Ordination took you toward a particular goal. Maybe that doesn't look "possible" right now. But it may be exactly in your future. It's just still around the bend.

    What in the world I think I could teach YOU about that, I have no idea. But I just had to say it. :) Not from a shallow, gee-haven't-you-thought-of-this place ... but from the same deep place of wondering that you seem to be occupying.

    I know that place too.