Memory, Grief, and Suscipe

One of the most daunting conundrums with which grieving individuals wrestle is that of memory.  What do we do with it?  Where do we put it?  Do we wrap it carefully, seal the edges of the package, and place on it on a shelf in the attic?  Do we bundle it up in an old blanket and toss it into the nearest lake?  Do we set it in a place of honor on the mantle, surround it with candles, and breathe it into our souls every day?

When we make the Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius, toward the end we pray the Suscipe, and some, perhaps most, of us, continue to pray it regularly, perhaps for the rest of our lives.

Take, Lord, and receive all my liberty,
my memory, my understanding,
and my entire will,
All I have and call my own.

You have given all to me.
To you, Lord, I return it.

Everything is yours; do with it what you will.
Give me only your love and your grace,
that is enough for me. 

Awhile back, someone whose heart is filled with joyful memories asked me what that would mean, to release them to God.  The same question bubbles up in those plagued by memories of other kinds.

As I wrote last year in my exploration of Miroslav Volf's book The End of Memory, God offers us a vision of a future in which we will forget the wrongs we have perpetrated and suffered.  But most of us, me included, have a great deal invested in our memories, including the most tortuous ones, as foundational to identity.

This is a particularly difficult day for me.  Three years ago this morning, I was on retreat, and woke up anticipating a day of silence and prayer.  I did not know that my son had died during the night, and that horror upon horror was about to unfold.

I have made a commitment about releasing the terrible grief associated with the memories that at times knock me down but, you know, it's a learning process.

Yesterday a friend whose very beautiful teen-aged daughter died of cancer in 2009 posted this offering:

Open your hands. Hear the whisper.

It sounds so easy. 

It's so not.

In the meantime, enjoy the incomparable Elaine Paige, who originated the role of Grizabella in Cats.