Friday, October 19, 2012

Mary Oliver: A Thousand Mornings



I am reading as I write, so this isn't so much a book review as an expression of joy in the publication of a new volume of poetry by Mary Oliver.

If I recall correctly, my first introduction to Mary Oliver came courtesy of my daughter's 11th grade English teacher, who used her allotted 20 minutes or so on Parents' Night to teach us (the parents) a brief lesson on "Praying" in order to demonstrate what she was doing with our young people.   ("It doesn't have to be the blue iris . . . ".)

That would have been in the fall of 2003.  Since then, Mary Oliver's poems have had a way of popping up in ways that, could I list them all, would probably form themselves into an outline of many of the most significant people in my life.

Which poem do I love the most?  I don't know.  These are the lines I tend to quote:

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.


(from "Wild Geese") 



She is strange, mute, difficult,
sometimes unmanageable but, remember, she is a child,
And amazing things can happen.

(from "Love Sorrow")

How I linger
to admire, admire, admire
the things of this world
that are kind, and maybe

also troubled -

roses in the wind,
the sea geese on the steep waves,
a love
to which there is no reply?

(from "Heavy") 

 

And now, in a new gift:

But I thought, of the wren's singing, what could this be if it isn't a prayer? 

(from "I Happened To Be Standing")

 

This last reminded me of my grandmother, whose clothespin bag, hanging on the line, was rendered useless on more than one occasion by nesting wrens.

Mary Oliver, of course, would remind us to question our definitions of usefulness and uselessness.  What could possibly be more useful than wren parents who have set up housekeeping in a clothespin bag? 

As we stood beside my grandmother's grave a few winters ago, listening to my daughter sing, a Carolina wren blended his voice with hers.  What else could it be, but a prayer?


Thursday, October 18, 2012

Jesuit Stuff

You would think that I would have been influenced primarily by feminist women, wouldn't you?  And, to a large extent, I have been. 

But in my spiritual life, and in this inexorable pull toward ministry . . .  well, read this.

I "failed spiritual direction" a couple of times; the relationships just didn't click.

Eventually I bumped into the person who would make it stick -- a then-75-year-old Jesuit.  My current director is a Jesuit my own age.  Once a year on retreat and occasionally via email I hang out with another Jesuit, a psychologist in his early 70s.

How could I have spent so much time with men trained so extensively and  diversely and not grown into a passion for ministry in some form?  I'd hazard a guess that anyone who finds friendship with people like the Jesuits is drawn intensely into whatever his or her life's calling might be.

In a (small) way, I came to ministry with something similar: lots of disparate experiences, as a wife and mother; a lawyer -- corporate, nonprofit, and family; a teacher -- middle school through college.  What I didn't have was the intense formational approach to all of those from which Jesuits benefit for the 11 or so years from entrance into the Society to final vows. 

I like to think that a bit of it has rubbed off.

I'm grateful that I was immersed in it when my son died while I was in seminary,

But I gotta tell you, God works in extremely mysterious ways.  What were the chances of my having ever even encountered these guys from a  distance?  I would venture approximately .0000000001%.

Guess that's all it takes.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Angels



This is one of those not-for-the-faint-of-heart posts.  Don't read it if brutal details haunt you in difficult ways.

I am also somewhat extremely hesitant to post this for other reasons, as I know there are people reading this blog who will conclude that my mind and I have finally parted company.  But, you know, fools rush in  . . .

And where is it that angels tread, exactly?

The first time I was with someone who died was in 1960, when I was in the automobile collision in which my mother was killed instantly.  Although I am told that I was conscious when we were discovered, I have no memory of that event.

The next time was in 2005, when I sat with my stepmother as she died after a several-months journey with lung cancer.  My father left the hospital immediately, but I stayed with her for about an hour.  I was so sure that we were being accompanied by Others that I occasionally looked out the window into the 5:00 a.m. darkness, expecting to see someone.

The next many dozens of time occurred during the summer of 2008, when I was doing my clinical chaplaincy education at The Cleveland Clinic.  Sixty actual workdays and nights over a ten-week period.  One of my units was a medical intensive care unit, and at a hospital like that, the people in the MICU are desperately ill.  When we were on call in the hospital at night (about once a week), we were each the only chaplain for 1000 beds -- all units.  I had two days that summer in which no one died.  Many days and nights the numbers were two, three, four.  I did not have any sense of the physical presence of Others that summer.

A few weeks after that, my son jumped to his death. Some months, maybe a year afterward, the shock beginning to wear off a bit, I began to wonder whether it was possible that the small patch of ground outside his apartment building had been crowded with angels that night.  I didn't particularly believe in angels, or not, but I began to wonder. I found that I kind of like to imagine that there is, quite literally, a host of beings of light who rush to lift the broken to God.  That they appear on isolated country roads, in high-tech hospital units, in suburban neighborhoods.

Yesterday, sitting by a hospital bed and waiting through the final moments of an elderly woman's life, I closed my eyes and bowed my head and -- yes.  Despite the occasional beeping of machinery and the voices of nurses in the hallway, I heard it -- or rather I sensed it.  The light brush of Others in the room.

I wondered, later last night, what angels look like.  Probably not like us, and probably not wearing white robes and bearing feathery wings.  Probably more like columns of light.  Think Tanner's Annunication.

I don't suppose it matters what they look like.  It matters that they are there.


Image: Lakeview Cemetery, Cleveland OH


Tuesday, October 16, 2012

All In One Day



A first meeting with a new directee, someone who is training to become a spiritual director herself.

Three meetings with state legislative aides to explain why I think legislation mandating suicide prevention education for teachers is important.

A long afternoon at the hospital supporting two daughters through the decision to allow their mother to die peacefully, and the final vigil at her bedside.

Telephone conversations with my children, one just returning from a conference and one working on his job search.

The tail-end of a Bible study I am supposed to be co-leading.

I've been absorbed with a lot of my own stuff lately.

But some days I really do get to do things I've been called to do, all day long.

Sacred moments, all day long.


Sunday, October 14, 2012

Chicago


As long as I have posted a picture of Chicago taken from the Sears Tower  . . . no, I'm not in Chicago this week-end.  The weather and the colors have been so beautiful that I am quite morose about having chosen many months ago what was obviously the perfect week-end and now not being able to go.

Except that it wasn't the perfect week-end at all.  The one person I most wanted to see has family and work crises of her own, and the last thing she needs right now is the burden of my presence.

At some point I have got to go there, and get the First Return Trip behind me.  Two weeks ago we went out to eat at what used to be our favorite family restaurant in Cleveland's Little Italy.  The first time I'd been there in four-plus years.  It turned out not to be impossible.

I'm not at all sure that Chicago is in the same category. Infinitely more difficult.  But maybe in December . . .    .

Us and Them and Safety

Does it have to be


 or


 ?????

Small Church is very small, in a very small town, in the middle of the country.

Of late, I have been the recipient of a number of remarks heralding rural life and character, remarks along the lines of "People are friendly out here" and "People really care about you out here."  I realize that folks are extolling their own way of life, and that they don't recognize that there are, in effect, telling me that people in the city are unfriendly and uncaring.

Today the topic of conversation in adult ed was church size.  Most of my congregants have only participated in small churches, and those who have been in larger churches didn't like them.  (At a social event last night, a man who recently transferred from our church to another remarked upon the differences between a small and a large (200 members?) church.)  This morning, people were stunned to hear me say (when asked!) that "I love large churches."

Much later, I realized that in the dichotomies that pervade much of their thinking, they probably also heard me say, "I don't love small churches."  Which is not the case.  I love my church.  But I don't have to dislike or be uncomfortable in larger churches to love smaller ones.

I'm afraid that earlier in the morning, I let it slip that I don't necessarily feel safe out here, as compared to the city.  There are no sidewalks, cars zoom down country roads at 60 mph, and there are hunters out and about these days.  I'm afraid to walk along the roads, and I'm afraid to walk in some of the beautiful parks I've found.  "Whereas in the city you have muggers to be afraid of!" came the retort.

We do, actually.  In my lovely inner ring suburb, bad stuff does happen.  But on the whole, most times and most places, I feel completely safe there and pretty much everywhere else in Cleveland. 

As I've contemplated these conversations, I've realized that perhaps the matter of personal safety -- physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual -- is at the root of all the us-them conflicts.  People feel unsafe in unfamiliar situations with unfamiliar people.

Country people feel unsafe in crowded cities; I feel unsafe in isolated rural areas.

People who are accustomed to living in homogenous areas feel unsafe in more diverse areas; I feel at best uncomfortable when everyone looks just like me -- because I know that inaccurate presumptions based on appearance are being made.

People who are used to one line of reasoning -- political, theological, whatever -- feel threatened by challenges to their beliefs; I am as surprised as anyone else, I suppose, when  my presuppositions and assumptions are questioned but then I start wondering, and challenging myself.

Just thinkin' about these things . . . 


Saturday, October 13, 2012

Once Upon a Time . . . (Sermon on Job 1:1, 2:1-10))



We are about to embark upon a four-week series on one of the great masterpieces of Biblical literature.  -- and one that’s not preached on very often.  Some of the reasons for avoidance of Job will become apparent in the next few weeks; they’re the same reasons that make it such a great book.  Today, we’ll embark upon a sort of introduction, and we’ll begin with the question:

Why do I identify it as a great masterpiece of Biblical literature?  For this former English major, there are two standards by which to assess a narrative as a work of art: form and content.

Let’s take a quick look at the basic form, the outer shell of Job.  The bulk of the book is a lengthy poem, and it’s book-ended at beginning and end by passages of prose – straightforward narratives. Today, we’ll be addressing the first of those narratives.  The narrative is clear and easy to follow: it has a beginning, a middle, and an end; the characters and conflict are set up for us; it even seems, at the outset, as though the situation is resolved.  It’s a story that, but for its subject matter, you could read to a small child.

The short narrative, however, turns out to be merely an introduction.  And it develops that the situation is not resolved at all and that the conflict, the argument, unfolds in a poem of nearly forty chapters.  Poetry: Think about it.  Poetry is a form quite different than the forms of writing we might use to write a short note, or a grocery list, or a set of instructions.  In poetry we try to expand our usual limitations of language with new words, with beautiful images, with sharp comparisons and contrasts.  

And when do people write poetry?  Perhaps even you? When big feelings have overtaken you, right?  When you’ve fallen in love, when you’ve experienced a great loss, when you’ve had a sense of the nearness of God, when God has seemed very far away?  When you’ve needed to work out, or at least to express, one of the great joys or sorrows or dilemmas of life?  When ordinary language no long suffices – that’s when we turn to poetry.  And so does the author of Job.  We will see in that lengthy poems that Job and God address the greatest questions of human existence – and then we will see that everything is pulled together – although, perhaps, another question is raised – in a short narrative conclusion.

The greatest questions of human existence – the content, the substance – there’s the other standard for a masterpiece of literature.  An ordinary story, or even an ordinary poem – that you can read, perhaps even several times, for the enjoyment of the narrative or the sound of the words. But a truly great work – it’s on another level.  It asks huge questions, unresolvable questions.  Questions to which there is no pat answer.  Questions which have different sounds at different time of life.  Questions in which the words patter in different steps depending upon who and where you are.

With that bit of an introduction, let’s see what Job’s introduction has to offer us:

The first verse of the first chapter of Job tells us, “There was once a man in the land of Uz whose name was Job. That man was blameless and upright, one who feared God and turned away from evil.”

Right away, we know that we are in a world of fairy tale, of folklore. “There once was a man in the land of Uz.”  Doesn’t it sound like some other stories you know?  “Once upon a time . . .”?  Or “In a galaxy far, far away . . . “?  We don’t know where Uz was located; it wasn’t  in the ancient lands of Israel or Judah, where the people of the Old Testament lived; it’s never been found on any map.  We don’t know who Job was; there’s no evidence that he was a historical figure – he seems to have been a man of Jewish legend, a man whose story emerges from the mists of the past, a man of great righteousness and goodness to whom some very bad things happened.  In other words, this is, like all good folktales and parables and fables, a story about Everyman in Everyplace – a story that applies to all of us, no matter who or where we are.   

We also know, right away, something about this particular Everyman Job: he is a paragon of virtue and success.  He is, we are told, “blameless and upright, one who feared God and turned from evil.”  He is not, in other words, Everyman in the sense of being like us, we who are not at all 100% blameless and upright, we who forget to live in awe of God and who are continually tempted by evil.  He’s more of an example kind of Everyman, more someone to emulate, more a role model than a realistic reflection of human nature.  He’s also, as we would discover if we had all of Chapter 1  before us, a very wealthy and successful man: a wife and ten children, many servants, and thousands of livestock.  But he’s not a man who lets any of this go to his head; he honors God, and he prays regularly for his children.

Lest it be unclear: this righteous, virtuous, successful man is NOT a man who deserves for anything bad to happen to him.  He cares for his family, he runs his business holdings well, he is attentive to God; he is respected by all who know him.

We are quickly introduced in Chapter 1 to the other two major characters of the book: God, and the Satan.  God, we know – or we think we do.  The Satan – we in the 21st century need a bit of an explanation of who this is. I say “the Satan” because in the Hebrew, although almost never translated into the English, there’s an article, a “the” – “ha Satan” – “the Satan.”  This is not the devil as we think of the devil in Christianity, the one who will be caricatured in costumes and decorations in a couple of weeks.  This Satan is a member of God’s heavenly court, one of God’s advisors – and “the Satan” means something like “the accuser.”

So we have the three characters – Job, God, and the Satan – now what about the conflict?  What’s at stake here?

God and Satan make, essentially, a wager.  God points Job out to Satan: “Look at my servant, Job.  What a righteous man; what a good man.  He honors me in everything that he says and does.”

And Satan says, “Huh.  Of course he does.  His life is perfect.  Do you really think that his love for you would continue as such a level of perfection if he loses all that he has in life?  He loves you for what he has gotten from you!  Take it all away, and then see how much he cares for you!”

And God says, “OK.  Do what you will with him; let’s see how he responds.  All I ask is that you do not harm him.”

And in a matter of hours, Job’s livestock, his servants, his house, and his children – all gone.  Stolen, destroyed, ruined, killed.  Everything and everyone, except for his wife, whom he held dear – gone.

And what does Job say, in response to this cascade of calamity upon calamity?  He says, “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return there; the Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.”

Is that what you would say? Maybe it is.  It’s not what I would say.  But it’s how the first chapter of Job ends: God-1, the Satan-0.

Now we come to the remainder of today’s reading, Chapter 2:1-10.  Let’s see what happens next:

"One day the heavenly beings came to present themselves before the Lord, and Satan also came among them to present himself before the Lord. The Lord said to Satan, 'Where have you come from?' Satan answered the Lord, 'From going to and fro on the earth, and from walking up and down on it.' ”

I’m telling you, whenever the Satan announces that he’s been “going to and fro upon the earth, and walking up and down upon it,” you know there’s trouble ahead.

The Lord said [again] to Satan, “Have you considered my servant Job? There is no one like him on the earth, a blameless and upright man who fears God and turns away from evil. He still persists in his integrity, although you incited me against him, to destroy him for no reason.” Then Satan answered the Lord, “Skin for skin! All that people have they will give to save their lives. But stretch out your hand now and touch his bone and his flesh, and he will curse you to your face.” The Lord said to Satan, “Very well, he is in your power; only spare his life.”

In other words, the wager continues.

Now let’s pause a moment, and ask ourselves what’s going on here?  Is Job really being set up to lose everything forever, as it appears at first glance?  Is God, our loving God, the source of the bad things that befall Job?  Is the Satan the only one with something to lose?

Perhaps the answer to each of those questions is “No.”  Perhaps.  This is, after all, a two-sided wager, and OT scholar Kathryn Shifferdecker, who provides an excellent analysis of Job, points out that perhaps the one with the most to lose is God.  Think about it.  The Satan believes that he can show the mortal Job for who he is: someone who relies on God only when it benefits him to do so.  He might not be wrong.  How many times have people prayed, wrung their hearts out before God, promised anything and everything, if only God would act on their behalf?  Think about the young man who promises to abandon his training and his well-paid employment to study for the ministry if only God will heal his wife of cancer.  And then he comes to you and says, “My wife is fine.  But I don’t want to be a minister at all!  Do I have to do that?” Or, his wife dies, and he says. “There is no God.  At best, there is a silent God who does not respond to prayer.  I’m done with God.”  

That’s the man the Satan is betting on.  The one who sees God as some kind of magician, or who turns away from the God who refuses to be boxed into magic-making.

But God?  God wants to be loved, and what does love require?  Freedom.  You cannot force someone to love you.  You can create the circumstances for gratitude, through your unsought and unmerited gifts. You can force respect; you can force submission – through power, through force, through violence. But love – love must be given freely.  Love does not depend on what you have to offer; it does not depend on what the other person gets out of it. Love does not depend upon force; love does not make people do things out of unfreedoms, out of limitations, out of fear.

Who is the man whom God is betting on?  The man whose authentic love God believes in, whose love depends not on cattle or land or even children.  The man whom God believes puts God first.

Do you begin to see why I call this a great book, a magnificent book?  Even in this prose introduction, huge questions are presented.

And so the story continues:

"So Satan went out from the presence of the Lord, and inflicted loathsome sores on Job from the sole of his foot to the crown of his head. Job took a potsherd with which to scrape himself, and sat among the ashes. Then his wife said to him, 'Do you still persist in your integrity? Curse God, and die.' But he said to her, 'You speak as any foolish woman would speak. Shall we receive the good at the hand of God, and not receive the bad?'In all this Job did not sin with his lips."

This is the end of our reading for today, and this is where most people end with Job.  This is as far as most people get.  Can you hear why we speak of “the patience of Job”?  Listen again: “Shall we receive the good at the hand of God, and not receive the bad?”  

Does that sound like a laudable statement to you?  

If that were the end of the book, I would not be urging you to consider it a masterpiece.  A good story, yes.  All the necessary elements: characters, conflict, resolution.  What’s wrong with that?  The resolution is even an honorable one.  God seems to have won the bet; Job does not turn from God.

But I invite you to ponder something this week:

What does Job say, and to whom does he say it?

He says, apparently to himself, after the first set of catastrophes befall him: “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return there; the Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.”   

Words of piety, words that echo what he has always been taught, and no doubt has taught to others.  Words designed to make some sense of a brutal and heart-wrenching world.  Words about God, and about God’s relationship with human beings.

And then, sitting pathetically on his ash heap, itself a symbol of life burned out, of nothing left but dust, sitting there scraping at his literal sores with his broken piece of pottery, and contemplating his metaphorical wounds, he says to his wife, whose emotional outburst  is not unreasonable– remember, she , too, has lost property and servants and home and children – he says to her, “Shall we receive the good at the hand of God, and not receive the bad?”

Again, words that echo the teachings of faith, words that are intended to clarify who is in charge and who is not, words that put us in our place in the grand order of things.  Bromides; platitudes; words that people say in tough times.  Words about God, and about God’s relationship with human beings.

And I ask you: Is that enough?  Is that enough for authentic relationship?  Is it enough to talk about God?  To repeat what we have heard about God?

Is that what you, made in the image of God, want from your friends?  That they talk about you?  That they repeat what they’ve been told about you?  Is that all you desire in relationship?

Or is there something more?

Is there something more?

You might want to give that question some thought before next week, because we are only at the beginning of Job’s story.  Job does not stop at the platitudes.  Job is not satisfied with mere talk about God.   And Job has some friends, who incite him to plunge ahead, which he does – although not at all in the way they intend.  So stay tuned.

In the meanwhile, after we affirm our faith in the God who does seek our real, authentic, response, we’re going to sing There Is a Balm in Gilead.  Because for the moment, where Job is now, don’t we want to pick him up and cradle him in our arms?  Don’t we want to smooth his oozing and encrusted skin with ointment?  Do we want to hold him close in the face of so much terrible and overwhelming trauma and loss?   We may not lose all in midlife – property and animals and workers and children – as Job did, but we do lose a great deal.  And we do want to make the wounded whole, and to heal the wounded Job – but how to do that?

So let’s affirm, and let’s sing.  Amen.