Actually, I just can't. Breast reconstruction is simply not a topic of interest to me.
I have an appointment with my plastic surgeon this morning. His office called to arrange it; I suppose that it's for the purpose of a final discussion of options.
I just don't much care.
I suppose that if I were doing this for solely cosmetic reasons ~ something that I personally cannot fathom but, you know: whatever floats your boat ~ I would be obsessed with every detail, and would be headed in there with a notebook filled with questions.
But I'm doing it so that I look ok when I'm dressed. That's my standard: Be able to wear an ordinary t-shirt without causing people to look at me with raised eyebrows or to run screaming from the room.
There is, quite simply, no surgery that will restore my body. From what little I've read, each option has its pluses and minuses so ~ whatever: choose one. In a few years there will be one or another kind of complication, or there won't. I have no real control over any of it.
And do I care? Not much. I suppose that I will care a lot if the silicone leaks and I end up with an autoimmune disorder. But I have no control over whether the silicone leaks.
As far as the surgery itself, which takes place in three weeks (if I can get rid of this cold, which keeps coming and going), I feel about the same. Maybe the pain will be minimal and I will sleep for a few days and then get back to church, all as predicted. Maybe it will be horrible and I'll have to take unexpected time off. Again, I have no control over it. (Same refrain.)
The only positive thing I've been able to do for myself is to look at the website of the local Buddhist meditation center. Look; that's all. I may call today and see whether anyone affiliated with it does one-to-one mindfulness meditation instruction. I think I could stand some help with that "long, loving look at the real."
Basically, I can't believe this. I have all of Lent to prepare for. I have my installation service in ten days. I have about ten people suffering from cancer and its treatment, falls, broken body parts, and various other physical crises. And I have to think about silicone.
Image: Jean Mannheim, here.
Mindfulness and meditation may help. Although I haven't done that with a guru (or group), sometimes it helps a person to focus. Prayer, plain ole prayer, is a form of meditation, in my opinion. Just keep on keeping on, one step at a time.
ReplyDeleteWho am I? A new reader of your blog, who has taught Religions of the World as an adjunct at Chattanooga State Community College for years, a retired United Methodist minister, and one who agrees with you on what's important. Frankly, I'm glad you aren't obsessed with it.
God bless you in this journey and, if it helps, I'll be holding your hand today, thinking of you as you meet with the surgeon.
Thanks, Bonnie, and welcome!
DeletePraying with you. I hope will find someone to work with you. I wish I were there to hold your hand.
ReplyDeleteMaggie
Me, too! You must have some staying power, after the blood-curdling screaming one of us engaged in the last time we were together.
DeleteLest anyone think otherwise, I really LIKE my plastic surgeon. He is smart and funny and relaxed and genuinely wants to help women, without being the least bit sentimental or gushy. We've had good conversations.
ReplyDeleteAs I left today, I stopped for some discussion about insurance with one of the staff memebers, and mentioned my struggle to get invested in this.
"We have women come in here who say they don't have much to do so they think they'll get their boobs done," she said.
Once again: reminded to be grateful that I have an actual life.
Amen! How sad for those women.
DeleteWow, that's such a sad thing. (The quote, that is.) I'm glad you like the doctor, but sorry this is something you even have to contemplate.
DeletePraying for you and with you. You are not the first woman that I have heard express ambivalence about this. Grateful for actual life is such a powerful thing. Peace and every blessing to you.
ReplyDeletePrayers continue to be with you and Christ's peace envelop you and settle gently within you. Do what you can. Don't stress about the others. Hold them in your prayers. Be with them when and in the ways you can. It'll all work out. Think positive healing thoughts. Glad your comment page is working again. I tried to leave comments before - especially after the death of one of our first call pastors. It was a terrible tragedy. Blessings be upon you.
ReplyDelete