Actually, I just can't. Breast reconstruction is simply not a topic of interest to me.
I have an appointment with my plastic surgeon this morning. His office called to arrange it; I suppose that it's for the purpose of a final discussion of options.
I just don't much care.
I suppose that if I were doing this for solely cosmetic reasons ~ something that I personally cannot fathom but, you know: whatever floats your boat ~ I would be obsessed with every detail, and would be headed in there with a notebook filled with questions.
But I'm doing it so that I look ok when I'm dressed. That's my standard: Be able to wear an ordinary t-shirt without causing people to look at me with raised eyebrows or to run screaming from the room.
There is, quite simply, no surgery that will restore my body. From what little I've read, each option has its pluses and minuses so ~ whatever: choose one. In a few years there will be one or another kind of complication, or there won't. I have no real control over any of it.
And do I care? Not much. I suppose that I will care a lot if the silicone leaks and I end up with an autoimmune disorder. But I have no control over whether the silicone leaks.
As far as the surgery itself, which takes place in three weeks (if I can get rid of this cold, which keeps coming and going), I feel about the same. Maybe the pain will be minimal and I will sleep for a few days and then get back to church, all as predicted. Maybe it will be horrible and I'll have to take unexpected time off. Again, I have no control over it. (Same refrain.)
The only positive thing I've been able to do for myself is to look at the website of the local Buddhist meditation center. Look; that's all. I may call today and see whether anyone affiliated with it does one-to-one mindfulness meditation instruction. I think I could stand some help with that "long, loving look at the real."
Basically, I can't believe this. I have all of Lent to prepare for. I have my installation service in ten days. I have about ten people suffering from cancer and its treatment, falls, broken body parts, and various other physical crises. And I have to think about silicone.
Image: Jean Mannheim, here.