It's been a rough couple of weeks.
Sick. Big assignment unfinished days after I had intended it to be. Multiple other loose ends also unfinished because all I really want to do is sleep. Exegesis failure and resultant sense of rejection and discouragement. Sermon into which I poured much of the last 1.5 years met with decidedly mixed reactions. Holy Week coming up, and that is still way too difficult for me. Discovery that some future calendar dates are going to wreak further havoc in my life.
And then yesterday one of my professors said some things to me about my call to ministry, about my writing, about some of my gifts and experiences, that were ~ well, kind of amazing.
And just sinking in.
This morning I woke up and realized that the profound sense of all-encompassing rejection that accompanies a child's suicide had pretty much eliminated any sense of self-worth on my part. So completely, in fact, that I wasn't even aware of it.
And so to have someone say things to me that extend far beyond general or basic kinds of compliments or affirmations ~ well, I am stunned.
I need to do something about my perspective. It seems that perhaps a little reorientation is in order.
(Yeah, I'll try not to overdo it.)
Sick. Big assignment unfinished days after I had intended it to be. Multiple other loose ends also unfinished because all I really want to do is sleep. Exegesis failure and resultant sense of rejection and discouragement. Sermon into which I poured much of the last 1.5 years met with decidedly mixed reactions. Holy Week coming up, and that is still way too difficult for me. Discovery that some future calendar dates are going to wreak further havoc in my life.
And then yesterday one of my professors said some things to me about my call to ministry, about my writing, about some of my gifts and experiences, that were ~ well, kind of amazing.
And just sinking in.
This morning I woke up and realized that the profound sense of all-encompassing rejection that accompanies a child's suicide had pretty much eliminated any sense of self-worth on my part. So completely, in fact, that I wasn't even aware of it.
And so to have someone say things to me that extend far beyond general or basic kinds of compliments or affirmations ~ well, I am stunned.
I need to do something about my perspective. It seems that perhaps a little reorientation is in order.
(Yeah, I'll try not to overdo it.)
Oh go on and overdo it--it's self correcting!! ;-)
ReplyDeleteI'm with QG. What seemed over the top before could be not nearly enough now.
ReplyDeleteI'm with them.
ReplyDeleteAnd it's my experience with a different sort of dislocation of the sense of self that it's complicated to regain reality. It takes time and checking in with yourself and others. I'm glad the others are there to provide their perspective on your gifts and your calling.
You mean, like Metanoia?
ReplyDeleteI love that!
Got your email and am still processing it. It's so deep that I can't just fire off a reply. I'm thinking of you with love.
yes, we wouldn't want to get too reoriented. My recent experience was that a pothole will just bring your thoughts back to the realities of the moment. But not all the way... my head is still swimming with thoughts about reorienting how I teach
ReplyDeleteIt's interesting to me how, even though I don't know you/never met you, somehow I feel certain I'd agree with whatever the professor told you about your calling and your gifts, Robin. Your ability to put words to your experience is so deeply moving--the personal honesty communicates so universally...yes, let the reorientation begin!
ReplyDelete