Monday, July 29, 2013

60 and Wistful

My 37th birthday cake and its creators at 5, 5, and 2.

Wistful.  I guess that would be the word.
It could have all been so different.
I think I subconsciously imagined that, after blogging self-indulgently for ten days, I would have some insight into where I've  been and where I'm going. 
But, alas, I do not.
I guess sixty is no different from any other day ~ LOL!  Some unbloggable stuff going on, which is clarifying, but hardly at a stage of resolution.  And the resolution will not necessarily be to my liking.  A wedding Saturday night ~ the daughter of friends ~ our first attempt in four years ~ in which the pain of all-that-will-never-be bored its relentless hole right through my fairly well-honed capacity for dissociation. (Just pretend this isn't happening and you aren't here.)  I'm still feeling the after-effects. 
On the plus side: My Lovely Daughter took me to see The Lion King on Friday night ~ such an incredibly creative show! ~ and my church celebrated after worship yesterday with a potluck.  More cakes at dinner last night and then at a gathering of friends. 
On the down side:  Having paid no attention to the combination of day and date, I am spending the evening with a family connected to a church in my Presbytery who lost a husband and father to suicide ten days ago. 
Here's what I wrote on our Day 10.  How well I remember those weeks and then months, curled up in bed with my dog and my computer, hoping that I would die soon.  That's why I'm going to see them tonight, even though I goofed on the date.
I looked up ~ of course! the etymology of wistful.  It seems to have something to do with silence and wishing. 
Wistful it is.



  1. (((hugs)))
    a birthday thought for you:
    somewhere over the rainbow, there is a better world, and one day, we will be there.

    1. Well . . . in my understanding of theology, God is already at work recreating and healing THIS world. But in either case, our hope is to be reunited with our beautiful sons, yes?

  2. Wishing you a happy birthday, (((Robin.))) Thank you sharing your journey.

    "God is already at work recreating and healing THIS world" That is my hope. He certainly has His work cut out for Him.

  3. Wishing you a good day today. I know it can't be perfect because Josh isn't here, but I hope it's as good as possible. Today is also an important day for me...the day I became a mother 28 years ago (it's my daughter's birthday). Very bittersweet now that I have only one child.
    Thank you for all of your thoughtful posts. My 60th will be next year...and I'm not looking forward to it - without my son.

    1. Your daughter has an excellent date for her birthday!

  4. I wish for you all happiness and love, Robin, especially on this day, and for the entire decade to come...for ever. Reality sometimes turns out to be less smooth than my wishes are for you, but I send those wishes anyway.

    Your posts on your life's path are illuminating. You have such a gift for putting your thoughts clearly into words.

    I'm thinking of your mother and the joy she must have felt on the day you were born - the joy of having a healthy child, and a Lovely Daughter, at that. God bless you, friend!

  5. Robin, I wish you a year of continued healing and many opportunities to be happy with the ones you love and to keep doing the good work to which God has called you.

  6. Thanks, all, for the birthday wishes!