Friday, November 11, 2011

Feelin' Upbeat Today

This is probably a bit premature, but my outlook today is pretty positive.

I think I have done about as much research and preparation and dealing with my, uh, stuff, as a person could.  My father called today and asked if I were at peace with my decision, and I was able to say, with complete equanimity, that mine is not a set of options likely to produce peace.  In other words, I'm not at peace ~ but why should I be?  That's not a requirement.

I'm glad that I didn't rush into surgery two months ago.  Even though I am doing exactly what the first surgeon originally recommended, I am doing it  in a knowledgeable and well prepared manner.  I know about options, I know statistics, I know what the procedures are (SO not appealing).  I have things to wear, I have a place to hang out, we have a new tv, and my work life is somewhat in order.  I could not have pulled all that off in less than two months. 

I have come to terms, sort of, with the reality that I can't predict anything about my recovery.  I've read some real horror stories and I've read some by women who came through all this fairly easily.  I can't choose, and I don't believe that optimism is the controlling factor here, but I'm ok with that.  Most of the time.

I have recovered my sense of perspective.  I want Josh to be here, I always want Josh to be here, and I can't believe that he isn't flying home from Chicago this week to be with me, where he belongs.  But that's no different from every other week.  And I do know that this ~ this is just a breast.  It is not a child.  

I am extremely clear about the difference.

This past week I ran into an acquaintance who has had cancer.  She's been fine for several years.  And while I know that she has other significant challenges in her life, I realized as we talked that: I am not a fragile person at all.  Her story?  Not mine.  I have my moments, and my days, when I am puddled all over the floor, but on the whole I am a pretty tough babe.  And I'm good with that.

Best of all: I am imagining the future.  You can travel all over the world with a fake boob.  You can preach and take photographs and do spiritual direction and hike and canoe.  And you still can't sing or cook if you never could.  So, basically: I will still be myself, just with some new and gory scars and some silicone inside.

This whole thing really and totally sucks.  But: OK ~ I will come out the other side and I will be fine.  

Although I will probably have even less patience with certain people and their idiotic remarks than I do now!


  1. I' ve lost track of when the surgery is scheduled, or maybe you haven't said, or I've forgotten,,,,regardless, holding you in prayer as you prepare. Deeply in prayer.

  2. "You can travel all over the world...and more...with a fake boob". Clarity worth hanging on to for future days.

  3. It is a lot to absorb and I often think that the decision-making process, coupled with the apprehension of waiting-for-everything-to-happen are some of the more difficult parts in all of this.

    Wresting control over this process is important and I admire how you have done that.

    One tidbit of advice--if you can stand it--I found that having some crossword puzzles and my iPod with me while I endured the pre-surgery check-ins and chats was essential. I needed those distractions and there were too many interruptions to be able to focus on a book (or any companions!).

    Peace be with you,